Sara Wiseman blogs on spirituality and intuition twice weekly.

Daily Divine: The ex files

3/24/2017

The internet is filled with posts on how to stay on friendly terms with an ex.

It’s a nice idea, isn’t it?

But energetically speaking, when a relationship is complete, it’s time to let it go.

Now, you might be tempted to think that you can still be in contact with an ex, or stay in touch, or even still be friends.

But in terms of energy entanglement, it’s very confusing.

This is because if a relationship is karmically complete, yet still continues, the result is energetic chaos.

Every time you see or talk to or even think about your ex, you experience the reattaching of energy cords, and you create further karma with this person.

If you don’t get along with your ex, the situation can get very messy: you’re still attaching cords every time you think about him/her, argue with him/her, are upset about how he/she behaves.

You’re still attaching cords.
You’re still creating karma.
Energetically, you’re still in the relationship.

When you truly let go of an ex, there is no longer a trigger when you are in contact with him/her.
There aren’t any more disagreement besides the kind of difference of opinion you might have with any one.

When you let go of an ex, you aren’t afraid of him/her or angry or obsessed or jealous or sad…
Because it just doesn’t matter.

The karma is complete.
The energy is dissipated.
You’re no longer corded up.
You’re not longer each other’s destiny.

If you’ve broken up with someone, it may be that this is because you’ve learned all the karmic lessons you’ll need to learn together, or you may be back for round two (or three or four hundred!) in the next lifetime.

You might be done, or you might be done for this lifetime.

In either case, if you have an ex who’s still in your energy field, consider how this is still serving you.

Letting go means detaching in person and energetically.

See where you’re at, in the process.

Much love,
SARA

P.S. For help releasing an ex, try our self-study course Heal Your Love & Relationship Karma.

19 Comments

Linda Sheridan

3/24/2017 10:15:24 am

Kind of hard when it's a divorce situation and their are kids. Even if both have remarried, weddings , grandchildren, etc. mean the ex is always somewhere in the picture. My husband's ex would shoot me dead if she could get away with it and it's been almost 25 years. My ex is remarried but I do not care to converse or anything. Point is they are around us from time to time. There are going to be thoughts.
So hard to erase them. God and Goddess speed to all for the happiest and easiest journey.

Carmen Nadal

3/24/2017 10:28:35 am

But what if you ended the relationship in good terms? What if you are still friends with that person, and no heart feelings? It has to be a good Karma!

Pampi

3/24/2017 10:43:20 am

I agree with both Carmen and Linda. Life necessitates interactions with ex-husbands for many of us. I want to set a good example for my children and grandchildren, demonstrating kindness and patience. My ex did not participate with our 4 kids growing up much, and is now expressing regrets to our adult children. I am grateful for this healing for my children's sake. While we (my glorious 2nd husband and I) do not invite interactions with the ex and his wife outside of family events, we participate willingly. Any discomfort or awkwardness is on the part of his wife. I can't change that, I just try never to make it worse.

Amy M

3/24/2017 12:51:03 pm

Sara,

This whole concept of being corded and then finishing the karmic lessons has been so helpful to me since I started accessing your materials. It continues to be true and relevant for me, from the cording of my first sexual partner, to a recent friendship with a coworker which turned into an almost extra-marital affair. I just returned from a ten-day meditation retreat in which I really got to wrestle through the complicated energetic bonding that had occurred between me and this other man, and when I was done with it on my end, I was able to come back into the work environment with no trace of longing, resentment, envy, or desire. Thank you for sending this out to confirm what I already know to be true; there is no unfinished business here; at least, not for this lifetime. I can trust my own path without getting distracted by what doesn't belong to me. Thank you.

T Marie

3/24/2017 01:11:29 pm

Hi Sara,

Firstly, I love your articles!

With regard to an ex though, how do you know if you have fulfilled the karmic ties? I spiritualty knew I needed to leave my husband. Since then though, we have both been doing inner work and the love we have for each other is so strong. We have both healed on an individual basis and our relationship is closer than in many years. Are we done on a karmic level? We love each other beyond measure. We divorced but still love to be around each other. I'm not physically attracted to him but truly am finding it hard to let go of the friendship. Even though we divorced at the end of January this year I can't seem to let go of the friendship. The uncertainty is making me insane! Would really appreciate your thoughts?

Mirah Holiman

3/24/2017 07:39:09 pm

T Marie, I have a similar situation. Me and my ex-husband are still house mates. We have always been on our Spiritual Paths so we are kind and loving to each other, but we have let each other go and live our own lives. We were married for 27 years and have 4 boys. I feel like we are now able to get along better than ever because we don't have any expectations, and we don't try to control the other at all. So what happens down the road is up for the Universe to dictate. For now we are in a good space and that was our intention when divorce seemed to be the karmic destiny. I like what Sara says about all this. It's not an easy situation for anyone, given all of our conditioning. Thanks for sharing!

Alyssa

3/24/2017 08:38:32 pm

How do you let go if there is a child involved? I think it's best for my son for my ex and I to still be friends. But I also still feel very entangled with him on so many levels at this point and sometimes long to be back together. How do you let go of that part while still maintaining a parenting friendship? Is it even possible? I don't want to feel this way forever.

carla van walsum link

4/22/2017 01:09:09 pm

Hi Alyssa,
i appreciate you comments. I believe that parents are eternally connected. The positive the better, and peaceful relationships are just good for the child(en). But having entanglements tells me that you are not at peace with the current situation. I recommend to work towards clarity and healing. What matters is what you think and feel in your heart.All the best!

Sara

3/25/2017 09:58:49 am

Thank you, Linda.

Of course we are all entangled with each other in families: divorce, custom, blended, remarriage, on and on. This is really no different then how we are all entangled with each other on a bigger scale: we are One.

The key is, to let go of the pain. To not allow the mind to loop, fantasize, hold grudges, hold hurts, all the things we tend to do with an ex (or even family members we've know for a long time and are still involved with). To let go of the pain, and simply move in with a new, neutral relationship based on the current role: co parenting, or co grandparenting.

When there is no pain or no trigger, you can know that the relationship has been released in a healthy way. If there is still conflict, there is more inner work to do.

3/25/2017 10:04:10 am

Thank you, Carmen. It's hard to know in this case.

Perhaps the relationship was more of a friendship to begin with, that got confused into thinking it needed to be romantic.

If a relationship was a relationship of passion, it would be difficult to continue as a friendship.

I think the key is to be very truthful with oneself. If there is calling it a "friendship," but there are still thoughts of love, passion, etc... then there is still some cording to be released.

If there is a friendship, but somehow that friendship presents one from creating a new romantic relationship, then there is still cording.

3/25/2017 10:05:44 am

Thank you, Amy. This is a very good way to define it: "no trace of longing, resentment, envy, or desire."

Simply neutrality, compassion, acceptance, and love as in the big love of all humanity. No sticky or painful triggers. Just peace.

3/25/2017 10:08:26 am

Thank you T Marie. I would say that January is too close of a time frame, to know what you feel. It would be interesting to let go of some of the familiar ties, and see how you do on your own.

If you divorced, the Universe is noting this as a clear decision to be separate. It makes no sense then, to continue to have close ties... it is a way of being energetically confused.

If you divorced legally, now work to divorce energetically. Being clear about your actions and intentions is always the better path than proclaiming one thing but doing another.

3/25/2017 10:11:22 am

Thank you, Mirah. There are many reasons people still live together after divorce: kids, finances, habit. I would begin to look at this, and see why you are still living together... are the reasons positive, such as need for co-parenting of young children and financial stability. Or are the reasons negative: fear of being alone, bad habits, etc.

Just look at it, and see if this is a decision that expands you, or not. As you begin to look at it with clear view, you will begin to see the truth of the situation. You may change, or you may not change, but you will understand more clearly what you are doing and why.

Mirah

3/27/2017 10:26:11 am

Thanks Sara, I would say that it is mostly financial. I stayed home with the kids and didn't start a career until I was 52. The house is our main equity and He does not want to sell it. I guess it's a matter of convenience for now, and we have always been compatible housemates. Your idea about looking at things is interesting. I am pondering(:

3/25/2017 10:13:47 am

Hi Alyssa; you would benefit from doing some karmic clearing on this relationship. If you're divorced, your relationship now shifts to co-parent. It isn't useful to you to have romantic thoughts any more. It would be very useful for all involved, to begin to sort this through.

The Universe helps us the best when your actions and our intentions are in alignment; in this case, you are divorced in name but not divorced energetically. If you can work to get things in alignment, that would serve you best.

Sheryl

3/25/2017 05:22:40 pm

This is a complex one for sure, it has many variables, I have had friends since grad school who's parents were actually good friends the new family's did every thing together, My sons in-laws were the same , they did everything together all holidays and even vacationed together until they dies in their 80's Yet , on the other hand , after not seeing the father of my children whom I was married to for almost 20 years, is a totally different story, I did not see or hear from him for almost 20 years, Everyone loved him , he was very successful business man. I did not see him for almost 20 years, neither did his kids, I thought being that the kids got along so well with him or so it seemed , that I could be civil to him and get along, Well , not all situation are the same , it I never have to see or hear of or about him again, it is just fine with me, he is a very pretentious selfish man and I have no time to waist on such people. Karma done here, One thing he did teach me, Never allow someone to control your life and put their life before yours, I think it was worth it to learn that lesson, my grandmother and mother had taught me to always put the man first,,, OK,,,, not a good idea in my world. I have learned and it has taken me 2 more relationships since, that one must take care of themselves first , To Thine Own self Be True. Karma has spoken , I have heard , lesson learned ,

3/25/2017 05:30:44 pm

I just noticed you called this post. "The ex files," good one Sara. I always look forward to your post here and what everyone else shares as well. Thank you , thank you all.

3/26/2017 10:45:46 am

You're right, Sheryl! It's complex.

This is why relationships are our biggest teachers....

Thanks Universe! :)

The ex files... you know, it could also be ex friends, family members who we aren't on good terms with... anyone who we were once close to, and now aren't.

Great material for more growth, more understanding. And certainly, challenging lessons.

Michelle

3/26/2017 03:21:36 pm

This is a good article, I love the title! I would like to see you expand on "what if we have children together so have to stay connected." I did read your responses to others who also had the same question but I still would like more info. Thank you, this was so timely for me.

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Daily Divine: The ex files

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