In 2010 my life turned upside-down in a matter of weeks. After years of happy marriage and a successful career, I became clinically depressed. It was astonishing how violently the wind was knocked from my sails. Fortunately, I sought counseling and was soon diagnosed with severe clinical depression and borderline personality disorder. It took two years of constant effort, weekly (or more) therapy sessions, and trials with different medications but I finally worked things out.
Sadly, the effort was too much for my marriage and just as I felt things were beginning to turn around, my wife asked me to move out. For the past year I have kept at it in the hopes of healing, proving myself worthy, and returning to my family. I got a new job, starting truly "living my therapy," and became self-sufficient. But it was too late. My wife eventually told me that there was no hope of saving the marriage and she filed for divorce.
Today I am able to manage my depression and feel I have conquered my BPD (it's possible with training), and I'm even weening off the last of my antidepressants. I'm happy in my job and have slowly begun to make friends of my own.
But there is still a lot of sadness to deal with. One thing I have noticed is that I no longer have any dreams--as in long-term hopes or goals. Working through depression and a broken heart is very much a one-day-at-a-time matter, and doesn't leave much energy for looking toward the future. Even though I have started to emerge, I still feel flat, stale and empty. I used to dream of retiring and traveling, but my financial situation has put that out of reach; I'll probably never be able to retire the way I used to dream about. I dreamed of a musical career, and even though it isn't too late to start, I get no great pleasure from paying any longer.
How does someone find a new dream? Where do they come from? The only thing I really know that I want is this: to love and be loved...preferably by someone who accepts me as I am and has no wish to change me. Anyway, I'm really at a loss. What am I here for? How do I decide what I really want to do with the rest of my life? Where to begin?
Hoping for an answer,
Even though your situation is complicated by the clinical depression, what I see is that you have experienced and are still going through a spiritual awakening—and these are not always pleasant, easy or short lived.
I am not qualified to speak about clinical depression—I am very happy to hear that you are seeking professional care there.
In terms of spiritual awakening, this is something I have walked many people through—it is indeed a walk through the desert; it is the soul's emergence into a new vibration.
In most cases, spiritual awakening often heralds its approach by the complete and utter destruction of one's old life: death of a loved one, illness, divorce, loss of finances etc; all of these are common occurrences.
Eckhart Tolle talks about his complete lapse from normal reality for quite some time. Neale Donald Walsch was reduced to living in a homeless shelter, with all of his former life stripped away.
My own journey through was perhaps simpler, but it also involved difficult things: a N.D.E. (near death experience,) death of a parent, divorce and PTSD from all of it. It took four years to work my way out of that particular falling away of everything.
But it is in the falling way of everything, that we emerge from the ashes and are reborn.
Richard, I would say for you... it is too early to know what the outcome is. Spiritual awakening is a process over time, and you are not quite at the beginning, but I would say you are not at the end of this process either.
Be patient. Begin to do practices that put you in touch with Divine vibration: meditation, prayer, healing music. Things are moving, even if they are slow. Simply stay with it, be with it... and know that change, hope and new dreams are coming.